It’s 1AM and I’m tired. Some room mates are fighting outside. I guess they had a lot to drink too. All I hear is yelling and what have you and some other people messing up the kitchen. There’s lots of stuff being yelled like, “You’re drunk and you’ll regret this tomorrow.” Ugh. This is just ridiculous… Well, at least it’s only a few more days and I’m out. I also packed most of my stuff already so I think I’m good. Time to catch up on J-drama Bartender before I go to bed. I need a distraction.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately… and it still frightens me.
I love change. Of course. Change for the good. But things have been the complete opposite for me in the past few weeks.
I’ve decided. I think I’ve been losing myself as of late. I don’t know what I really wanted for a while. I think I’m going to try to bring myself back. I’ve been obsessed over the past few years with Asian music and the like. I love T.M.Revolution and all but it’s time for me to calm down. I think I’ll take down a few posters and see how I feel. I want to go back and find the stuff I used to like and have a balance between everything. I want to grow my hair to how it used to be. I want a change. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I can’t keep denying my feelings either. I feel like I should stay away from what’s bothering me but that could ultimately hurt me in the end. I just need to clear myself of everything and start again. I hate the feeling of losing myself. I want to be natural again.
Now for a nap… Maybe this is all just from my lack of sleep.
COMPLETE MY FINAL FOR VISUAL COMPUTING? HELL YEAH. Of course it’s almost 4AM. My class is at 9AM. YEAH. NO REGRETS. >:D
So, I spent this weekend with him. It was definitely something I needed for myself. I felt so emotionally everywhere that suppressing it ended up not helping. Basically this weekend was full of cooking food, walking, talking, and movies. It was kinda like one really long date. You know that scene in Enchanted when Giselle took Prince Edward on a date and she said a date could go on for as long as you want as long as there were activities you could do? It was kinda like that. There were still a lot of things we wanted to do and catch up on. But that’s what makes a relationship interesting I guess. There’s still stuff to do. We were catching up on lost time. We did get a few things done though. We created a to-do list on his wall and I’m going to help him keep up with it. So he’s going to get a couple things done between today and tomorrow so there better be some things erased by the next time I see him on Skype. We’re both feeling better so I can’t really complain about much. It’s just a matter of getting my own agenda done and making sure I’ve gotten my own stuff done until the summer begins.
And you know what that means? NO MORE ESSAYS UNTIL NEXT SEMESTER! YESSSSS. TAKE THAT ESSAY ON THE SUBLIME.
I guess I’m taking one of these essays in this book to write an essay on a topic to compare to the sublime. What about glam rock? Couldn’t I do that? It’s not like it’s pretty… I can’t say that I would dress like that every day but it evokes some sort of feeling that makes me attracted to it. Hey… this might make a good essay.
Another thing is off my mind. And you know what? I don’t regret how this happened.
I spoke on the phone with the girl who I was having trouble with. Thank goodness we spoke two weeks after the whole thing went down or else I could’ve exploded. I’m just glad we could talk in a civil manner. I don’t want to be angry anymore. It’s not me.
Yes, I did call her ugly. It’s only natural I would out of anger. I can’t help the way I think and I’m sure it hurt when she found out what I’ve been writing. I’ve also come to find out that a fan of my mom’s has been telling her. In a way, I don’t regret it. I won’t delete my posts though. I think it’s an important thing for myself to see the way I’ve reacted to this whole situation. To be honest, I’m just happy and relieved that we’ve talked it out and we’ve come to an agreement. We’re just more worried about Christopher.
It’s hurtful to read things about yourself online. Yes, she saw it coming. Regardless, it’s hurtful and I hate being spiteful against anyone. Who knows what’ll happen in the future though. Right now, it’s just better the way we agreed to handle it.
I’m just trying to get focused on myself and making sure the ones I love are okay. Everyone has been going through tough times. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it’s Mercury in Retrograde. Who really knows. End of March/April has been the worst months of my life. I’ve been emotionally confused and I’m trying hard to take a step back and observe what’s been going on.
I want to be there for the ones I love and care for. I just need this upcoming weekend right now. I need to relax, not think and have fun.
As quoted from a talentless singer, “Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday! Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend.” Pretty much summarizing what I’m thinking right now…